THE SCRIPT/THE STORY - The Cabaret
Saucy Jacks bar. The acts are dropping like 9-pins, but the cabaret goes on.
| The action all takes place in Saucy Jack's cabaret bar on the planet Frottage III. It is a seedy dive, a "notorious hang-out for reprobates and undesirables" - i.e. the audience. At one end is the bar, tended by the barman Mitch Maypole and propped up by his psychiatrist, Dr. Whackoff. At the other end is the stage, populated by assorted cabaret acts, accompanied by Hugh Jorgan the musician. Long tables line the even longer walls and resident sax player Sammy Sacks shows the audience - who have been greeted on their arrival by hostess Booby Cheval - to their seats. All is not well at Saucy Jack's for the cabaret performers have been meeting untimely deaths "at the hands of a killer with a deadly calling card". As they are running short of acts, in addition to those acts that have survived, the staff fill in .... | |
| Jack: | Will you please welcome on stage that queen of kitsch - Miss Vulva Savannah ! |
| Vulva: | Oh, hello - thank you so much. Well here I am - Vulva Savannah - and tonight it is my last night here at Saucy Jack's and I would like to celebrate this fact by singing for all of you one of the great songs from the old days. |
| Song: Mack the Knife/Bring Me Sunshine | |
| Booby: | Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Saucy Jack's Cabaret Bar. My name is Booby, Booby Cheval. Unfortunately we've lost quite a few of our cabaret artistes lately through, let's just say, unforeseen circumstances so I, as your head waitress and Jack's magical assistant, have been asked to perform a little song for you tonight assisted by my very best friend Mr. Sammy Sacks (Pause to give audience time to applaud). It's a song my mother used to sing to me when I was very young - she used to say she was a frustrated country artiste whereas my father just used to say she was a frustrated piss artist. (No reaction from audience !) Yeah. I'd like to sing this song as a warning to any young ladies out there who are considering alien planets as places to find true love. True love you may well find but cross-breeding can wreak havoc on your nipples if you choose to breast-feed. Take it away, boys .... |
| Song: I Did | |
| Booby: | Thank you, thank you very much ! Oh, don't clap too loud - Jack'll kill me ! And anyway, without further ado, I'd like to present to you your host for this evening .... |
| Hugh: | And now, live from Frottage III .... the man, the myth, the legend .... the tinsel tease of the Tufted Shag .... the largest wand in the galaxy .... heeeeere's Jacky ! |
| Jack enters the stage. Wild applause. | |
| Jack: | You know, ladies and gentlemen, during my many years in show business I've discovered I've got a lot to give, and tonight you're going to get it ! |
| Song: Starman | |
| Jack: | Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Frottage III, welcome to Saucy Jack's ! (Audience cheers weakly) Pathetic - oh yes, I've got to hear you ! Let me explain something: this is audience participation at its worst. If I don't hear you I'll come and find you individually. Do you understand ? Good. As you probably gathered, ladies and gentlemen, you are in the home of class entertainment. But before I come back on, ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome on stage our resident band for the evening - Mr. Hugh Jorgan and Mr. Sammy Sacks: "Sexual Tension," ladies and gentlemen .... |
| Hugh and Sammy play a musical number. | |
| Jack: | And now, Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on stage our resident singer for the evening, our very own piece of Ukranian crumpet .... no sweeter words ever passed the lips of mortal man than "Miss Vulva Savannah .... " |
| Vulva: | Hello again everybody ! Here I am - Vulva Savannah - to sing my last ever song here at Saucy Jack's. You see, tomorrow I am going to join the cast of the fabulous soap "Cleavage Valley." Yes - I am leaving here. I am leaving you, Jack. I am leaving on a jet plane .... |
| Song: Leaving On A Jet Plane | |
| Jack: | Now come on, be honest Ladies and Gentlemen. After a performance like that, we don't really want her to leave, do we ? Vulva, don't leave me darling. |
| Vulva: | Jack, you read my lips. I am leaving ! |
| Jack follows Vulva off stage. A scream is heard. |
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