THE SCRIPT/THE STORY - Part 1
The staff explain why they are here. Chesty arrives
| The spotlight shines on a strange character on a stool by the bar - Doctor Whackoff. | |
| Whackoff: | Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I found Mitch in the 'Want' ads. He was a small time barman on the verge of something big. He needed help, and as a doctor with specific tastes, I could not refuse. So I took my research to a bar. This bar. Saucy Jacks - a debauched haven for those who live life on another planet altogether. Like Mitch and everyone else that comes here, I couldn't leave ! |
| The bar springs into life, and our journey begins | |
| Song: Saucy Jacks | |
| Jack: | Right, where's Buffy? She's late for her trapeze act ! |
| Booby: | She doesn't work here any more Jack. She was murdered. |
| Jack: | Oh yes, how could I forget. |
| Sammy: | How can you be so strong Jack, when they're saying all sorts of things about us ? |
| Jack: | Hush now Sammy, I've got everything under control |
| Booby: | Darn it, a girl's not safe around here ! |
| Jack: | Hey, hey. Jack's here to keep you safe, and that's a promise. |
| Whackoff, Sammy and Mitch check the newspaper | |
| Whackoff: | Were there any clues ? |
| Mitch: | Just that slingback stuck into her youthful chest. |
| Booby: | How wonderful, sequinned ? |
| Sammy: | Of course .... |
| Jack: | Well, this is all very tragic, but we've got a club to run and a crowd to please, so shift your little space butts back to work. (Laughs and smacks Booby's bum) |
| Booby: | Ooh I wish he wouldn't do that, it makes me feel like a piece of cheap trash, and I hate that. I don't know how much more of this I can take. |
| Sammy: | Oh no Booby, Jack cares. He was there for all of us when we needed someone. |
| Mitch: | If it wasn't for Jack, I'd still be out there, hitching up and down the space highway, with nothing but a plastic mac and a feather boa to my name. But look at me now ...... |
| Booby: | I remember how it all began. I'd been out there for days Mitch. One eyelash gone, lip-gloss just fading away. No home, no money. Just god given talent and a little bit of love. Mama threw me out see. Couldn't handle the competition. Sequins did nothing for her, and I was a natural blonde. There I was, just walking, and I saw this sign .... way ahead, flashing neon like a promise. So I followed it. He just .... appeared, smiled, took my hand and lead me in. 'Everything's gonna be alright, and that's a ....'. Oh what kind of promise is that ? Everything's not alright, not with serial killers on the loose ! Oh Sammy, be careful. Lady Fate's creeping up on you, and she's wearing slingbacks. |
| Sammy: | Oh no Booby, you're wrong. Jack's looking out for us. He said I'm going to have top billing next week. He said I'm going to have my own solo spot ..... feathers. He said I can have my own dressing room. |
| Booby: | Honey, he says that every week, ask him (pointing at the musician - Hugh Jorgan). |
| Musician: | Yeh, dream on Sammy. |
| Sammy: | Yeh, but this time he means it, doesn't he ? |
| Booby: | Oh you just need a strong woman by your side. |
| Sammy: | I've got one right here ! |
| Sammy and Booby hug. | |
| Mitch: | Oh leave it out you two, you're only making me jealous. |
| Booby: | Oh Mitch ! |
| Mitch: | But she's right Sammy. Look at Vulva, singing her tortured solo twice nightly, and all the time dreaming of that big break on another planet. Getting out, getting away. Guess she left it too late ! |
| Booby: | But, you've got talent, you've got .... style |
| Sammy: | But that's not enough for a Space Vixen. |
| All: | A Space Vixen ! |
| Sammy: | Oh, I know that if I ever met one in the flesh she'd just laugh at me. You know I have the same dream every night, right. They land here on Frottage III, and they take me prisoner, and they expect me to pleasure them, in return for my freedom. And I try, but I don't know what to do. |
| Mitch: | And all I can do is wait tables. I've got a sideline in erotic massage, but it's not enough to make it on my own. |
| Sammy: | If only there was something we could really do. But it's all very well having dreams Booby, but somewhere we've got to find the strength to make it happen. |
| Booby: | Well I don't care. One day I'm going to be a Space Vixen ! |
| All: | A Space Vixen ? You ? |
| Booby: | You bet boys. I've always known I had something inside me that made me different. I wasn't like the other little girls. I wanted something more, something only one dream could fulfill. I could be like them .... I could .... and then I'd come back for you, and we could start all over someplace else. |
| Sammy: | And I'll find myself a Space Vixen of my very own, to love me, teach me, and heal me with disco ! |
| Song: All I Need Is Disco | |
| Sirens are heard, then the voices of the Space Vixens | |
| Bunny: | Jubilee, I'm picking up something and it's strong. |
| Jubilee: | Hold it Bunny |
| Anna: | Where's it from ? |
| Bunny: | Central control, Frottage III |
| Jubilee: | Frottage III ? I know it all too well. It's a fascinating dirty place. |
| Anna: | How's the atmosphere ? |
| Jubilee: | Oh it's dripping with vice. |
| Bunny: | The Slingback Killer's back in town. |
| Jubilee: | That's it. Recharge the disco beams. We have a job to do ! |
| Bunny: | Right, wait. There's something else, something far worse ! |
| Anna: | Oh no ! Not ..... ? |
| Bunny: | Yes Anna. Those with a gift for glitter are being oppressed. |
| Anna: | What in our time ? The Academy said nothing of this. |
| Jubilee: | To Frottage III by all that glitters. |
| All: | To live and die to the power of disco! |
| Back to Saucy Jacks. Jack enters brandishing a newspaper. | |
| Jack: | Scandal ! Scandal, scandal, scandal, scandal. I hate it. Good for business, but at such a price. My family, struck down by the cruel gouges of a glamourous heel. I took them in. I gave them everything they ever yearned for. Hope, fame .... love .... if they needed it. All they had to do was stay. Is that too much to ask ? A warm bed, a welcome smile, charm to die for. What more can you want ? You know, I give. I give and I give, but it's not enough, it isn't. You know I should be used to the cruel blows of ungrateful friends. Oh yes, I've been let down before. |
| Telephone rings and Mitch answers it | |
| Mitch: | Saucy Jacks, take it where it's easy ? Yes he is. |
| Passes phone to Jack | |
| Jack: | Hello ? Mr. Shankmeister sir, what a pleasure it is to speak to you. I'm sorry, what are you looking for ? Oh yes, a cute boy. Oh yes, talented lips. A nimble fingered sax player with a future. Well, I'm sorry, I can't help you there, Irv. OK, I do apologise, Mister Shankmeister sir. I'll be in touch if anything comes up, don't you worry about it. Thanks for ringing. Ta ta. |
| Sammy: | Who's that ? |
| Jack: | Wrong number ! |
| Whackoff appears from behind the bar, shaking ....... a tomato juice bottle ! | |
| Mitch: | Do you like it here Doctor von Whackoff ? |
| Whackoff: | Mitch. You must call me .... Villy. |
| Mitch: | If you think it would help ? |
| Whackoff: | Definitely |
| Mitch: | Well then, Willy |
| Whackoff: | Yes ..... ? |
| Mitch: | Am I giving you enough to keep you interested ? |
| Whackoff: | Er, yes. It seems my little study of you is coming along very well. Look, you certainly seem to be keeping the right company. |
| Mitch: | Well, we've all got something in our closets, that er ... needs a little airing. |
| Whackoff: | I only hope that, our friendship lets you out of yours ! |
| Mitch: | Once I get to grips with my inner self, I'll show you everything. |
| Whackoff: | Oh promises promises, my little schnitzel. |
| Mitch: | Um, but for now you'll just have to make do with a Radar Thrust (gives Whackoff a drink) |
| Whackoff: | Ah. Thanks very much ! (To audience) We thought we were in for .... (has to lean into misdirected spotlight) .... a quiet night, but there was something in the air. I could sense it. Jack seemed a little on edge. His act with the python had not gone down too well. But then, there was the faint rustle of plastic. |
| The air-vent flies open, and a very loud Chesty Prospects makes a spectacular entrance. | |
| Chesty: | Hello lads ..... mad for it ! |
| Song: Plastic Leather and Love |
| On to next page | This page last amended 03.02.01 | Back To Story Page |